Text by Linda Waterman Humphrey, President, Etctera
Photo by Frankenberger Photography

I often find myself repeatedly giving brides what I call the two-minute overview on ordering wedding invitations. As our society changes, so does our etiquette; many of our mother’s guidelines have been thrown out the window. There are so many contributing factors that a bride faces in planning her wedding. Perhaps the parents have been divorced and remarried, or there is a large blended family that will be participating in the wedding; all of these things come into play when you begin your plan. Because brides are getting married later in life, and many are already professionals in the community. In this day and age, it is not unusual for the bride and groom to host their wedding themselves or perhaps choose a destination other than their hometown as the spot for their big event.

So, where do you start? First, decide what type of wedding you want. Then, as I tell all brides, budget your expenses and stick to that budget. Next, make your invitation list-“the list.” Who will make the cut? Where do you begin? Do you invite everyone you have ever met? Do you invite your two best friends from the seventh grade? They spent countless hours planning your wedding to Prince Charming, but have you even seen them in the last fifteen years? It is important to determine guidelines for the guest list so that you feel confident with the number of invitations that you are ordering.

The price does not make the invitation more correct. A wedding invitation should reflect the style of your wedding. It should give your guests an idea of how to dress, formally or informally, and whether to expect hors d’ouevres or perhaps dinner at the reception. In the past, the bride had a choice of white or ivory paper for her invitation. Today, she also has the choice of colored heavy papers in every hue of the rainbow.

What type of printing do you choose for your invitation? Engraving is one of the oldest and many still feel the most beautiful printing process for reproducing images on paper. The new trend is letterpress, a reverse of engraving; the ink is pressed down into the paper, making a dent rather than a raised impression. Thermography is an option that is less expensive than engraving but renders a similar look. Some brides choose to make their own invitations by buying blank cardstock and printing or hand writing their own personal message. The choices are endless.

It is important to convey the details of your wedding as graciously as possible on your invitation. It is your invitation consultant’s job to explain formal wording to brides who want their invitation done traditionally. Monograms at the top of wedding invitations have become fashionable recently. But, what monogram do you use? Do you use a monogram that reflects the bride and groom as one or as individuals? Traditional etiquette would suggest that it should be the bride’s monogram before the wedding, since she is not married when the invitation is mailed.

Wording is important to the invitation’s overall message, as well. The phrase ”honour of your presence” traditionally reflects a wedding in a house of worship; whereas, the phrase, pleasure of your company, reflects a wedding at home, a hotel, or somewhere other than a house of worship. Leaving the old traditions behind, it is not unusual to see poetry included in an invitation.

Last, but never least, spend time on your thank you notes! Your big day is behind you now. You are married and the wedding was fabulous; everyone had a wonderful time. Your family and friends took the time to pick out a gift that they felt was perfect for you. Some may have hosted parties in your honor, and now it is your turn to make sure they know that you appreciate all that they have done. Return everyone’s kindness to you with a thoughtful note of thanks for participating in your experience.

Etiquette is intended to be a guide to good taste and to facilitate good relationships and the comfort of everyone. It is completely appropriate for you to stray from the accepted rules. Etiquette should never be adhered to at the cost of damaging a relationship. Its purpose is to build relationships, not to harm them.

EXAMPLES OF PROPER ETIQUETTE
Using names without titles on an invitation is generally considered incorrect and makes the invitation more informal than it otherwise would be. If one title on the invitation is omitted then all other titles should be left off the invitation as well. This is done to keep wording of the invitation consistent.

Divorced parents
Do not separate the mother and the fathers name with “and”. If the mother is divorced but not remarried, her name should appear on the invitation as “Mrs.” (First, maiden, married name).

Adoptive parents
In this case, the parents who have raised the bride or groom should issue the invitation.

With the divorce rate in Kentucky above 50%, the etiquette on second marriages is very much a concern.
A growing number of wedding invitations issued today involve a bride and groom marrying for a second time.

Bride and Groom have both been divorced
If the bride and groom have both been divorced and are marrying for the second time, the bride and groom should issue their own invitations. The bride’s name should appear on the invitation with “Mrs.” (First, maiden, married name). If the bride is marrying for the third, fourth, etc….times then her name would appear as “Mrs.” (First, maiden, most resent husband’s last name).

Bride has been divorced
A divorced bride marrying for the second time, traditionally used her first name, maiden name, and married name preceded by “Mrs.” on their wedding invitations, but it is now considered unnecessary and inappropriate. Today, it is becoming more and more appropriate to not use “Mrs.” and most brides choose to omit it. If the title is omitted on the bride, then all titles should be omitted to keep the invitation consistence.

Bride is widowed
Widows marrying again should issue their own invitations. The bride should properly use “Mrs.” followed by her deceased husband’s name. A young widow, however, may have her parents issue the invitations. The bride’s name should appear on the invitation with her first, middle and married name, omitting the title.

Garden Weddings
It is always helpful to mention that the wedding will be a garden wedding to ensure that your guests wear appropriate footwear. A line reading “in the garden” should appear above the address where the wedding is being held. You should enclose in the invitation a small card with you invitations that will let your guests know the contingency plans in case of inclement weather.

Attire for a Formal reception
The words “Black tie” do not properly appear on wedding invitations or reception cards, as the time of day and the location determine the dress. After six o’clock in the evening is traditionally formal. Although some people are familiar with this point of etiquette, most are not. Therefore, you may wish to include .Black tie. on your reception cards to ensure that all of the guests know how to dress. “Black tie” should not appear on the invitation but may be put in the right hand corner of the reception card. The “b” in “black” is capitalized, but the “t” in “tie” is not. “White tie” events are even more formal than black-tie events. They require that men wear white tie, wing collar, and tailcoat, while women wear evening gowns. LWP

Examples of proper etiquette adapted from Crane's® Wedding
Blue Book ©1993, Crane & Co., Inc; All Rights Reserved.