The day could not be more wonderful! You and your new spouse have planned and dreamed about this for months, maybe even years. Yes, tempers have flared a few times; but that is to be expected and now that the wedding is over EVERYTHING will be PERFECT!

So why the let down feeling…why the irritability? These feelings are normal and some even refer to them as the “Post-Wedding Blues”. Because there is so much emotion and brainpower poured into such an event, many couples feel depleted afterward and sometimes, even on the honeymoon, notice a strain.

However, there may also be an even deeper awareness that now the intense work of “becoming married” needs to happen. Just because the words “I pronounce you husband and wife” are said, the license is signed and duly recorded…just because you are legally married…that doesn’t make you emotionally married. Becoming married is a process of endless small things and some big things. In your mind and heart you have committed to this person, but you did not expect him to pile all of his clothes in the corner and to want you to cut his grapefruit for him. You did not expect her to be such a neat freak and to insist you try all the new dishes she cooks. It’s great to have someone to cuddle with and watch TV with, but it is not so easy to talk about how you really felt when you were passed over for the promotion; how it felt like you were the second child all over again. It is not so easy to tell him that when he keeps trying to solve your problems for you it feels as if you are incapable and somehow diminishes you. Suddenly you may find yourself saying things that you vowed you would never say to your spouse.

What is happening is the process of finding out how much real intimacy you can tolerate. Intimacy requires real trust and a sense of emotional safety. It requires the absolute knowledge that what you say in vulnerable times will not be thrown back at you or used against you.

How is that sense of trust established in a marriage? Trust grows over time and opportunities present themselves almost daily to really hear what the other person is saying, without putting down or disregarding the seriousness of the issue. When such listening interaction occurs there is a sense of safety, valuing, respect and deep love fostered.

The road to becoming married is not easy; not much of value is very easy. However, the rewards are infinite and the true sense of having someone who is genuinely on your side is of inestimable value.